Because people are unique, they all leave their mark.

I used to subscribe to society.

I used to believe deep down inside my core beliefs, that if I did not "dress to impress", that everyone would judge me the same way I judged them.

I used to judge people based on how they looked on the outside, completely disregarding the human being under the skin.

I used to flip through magazines, memorizing fashion tips, trying to create the image of someone completely self-confident and in control.

I used to be insecure. I would constantly second guess myself, but mask it behind a wall of makeup and smiles.

It was all a lie.

That life, was exhausting.

And then I hit rock bottom.

I started talking to this guy, who I just became so completely dependent on. I was a clingy, pathetic, girlfriend without any hope of standing on my own without him. He held the power in that relationship, and I was left powerless in his grip. And yet, because of those childish feelings of "love"  that I held in the bottom of my heart, I believed he really loved me, because I loved him so much. It was like I couldn't even breathe without him.

I would get those silly butterfly feelings every girl dreams about every time his name would appear on my phone when I'd get a text from him. My heart would skip a beat every time I heard his voice. Every time I saw his face, my whole body would just melt and I'd get all these warm feelings inside that seemed to suffocate the rest of the world. We shared all the same interests. We loved the same music. We were both the black sheep of the family. He understood me. I felt like he was the only person in the world who I could possibly relate to. I wanted to marry this boy. I was infatuated. There was not one thing I wouldn't do for him.

If he liked something, then I liked something. If he hated something, I hated something. I refused to have my  own thoughts, dreams, beliefs. Everything and anything that was Rebecca Malloy was tied to a guy who's only concerns were those of his own selfish desires.

And then one day he asked for photos.

Because I "loved him so much", I subscribed. I said yes. At first I said no because I still had some self-worth, but I let my insecurity get the best of me, and I gave in.

I subscribed

Once they began, they didn't stop. I figured, ok. One photo and then he'll leave me alone and be satisfied. What could go wrong? But of course, one photo was never enough. How could it be for such a tyrant?

This went on for a while and eventually I became stressed out. Irritated. Angry. Paranoid. I felt like I was being suffocated under a mountain of a relationship that I barely believed in any more. Yet because of "love" I refused to break it off. Because I was "insecure" and I finally had that "perfect boyfriend" society told me was acceptable, I couldn't let him go.

I was so afraid of being alone

And then, his parents found out about the photos. Then suddenly, my parents found out about the photos.

The look in my dad's eyes every time he looked at me. All I could do was feel so ashamed. He had this pain in his eyes every time he looked at his "little girl" who sold her soul to a guy who didn't even love her back. "I thought I raised you better."

All I could do was sit in my room, truly alone, and sob for something that was never even mine to begin with.

I was left with a ripped up heart and desecrated dreams.

And all I could think was, I still loved him.

He was an asshole



 I look back on those days and I wonder. How did I even let this happen?

Never again.

I will never again subscribe my life to a society where in order to feel accepted you need to subjugate yourself to such a level of defilement. It wasn't cool. I didn't feel happy. My life was one gigantic scandal of a loveless lie.

And that is why I am awkward.

And that is why I have this blog.

And that is why I so firmly believe in being yourself. 

And that is why I ask perfect strangers on a bus if they want duck shaped cookies.

And that is why I am so comfortable with being me

There's an old saying "You must learn from your mistakes." Well I learned from mine.

I realized that you will never be able to love anyone, unless you can truly love yourself.

Love your insecurities,

Love your imperfections,

Love your talents

Love your faults

Love your smile

Love your laugh

Love your body

Love your friends

Love your enemies

Love your family

Love your faith

Love your life

Love the fact that you aren't what society says you have to be in order to fit in,

Love the fact that you don't fit in, or love the fact that you do.

And on that note, I would like to thank you. Thank you for being a living, breathing, creature on Earth. Without you, your soul mate would be very, very lonely.





Breakfast of Champions

Well the night came and fell on day one of the steubenville trip and after watching two episodes of How I Met Your Mother with everyone, Rachel and I decided to split for the evening.

There is one thing about Steubenville, among other things, that really made me pause and acknowledge. The campus at night is beautiful. Walking back to Tommy was truly inspiring. The street lights, cast an eerie light that bathed the buildings in an iridescence. Everything glowed with an almost magical essence, as the silence was intermittently interrupted by the rustling of the wind in the trees.

Step after step we made our way back as a peace settled over the campus. Everything was calm. Steubenville felt like a peaceful safe haven away from the busy lives bustling about in the city just outside the campus. I never slept so good on a floor before.

We woke up the next morning with a start, and we dashed this way and that getting ready to go to Church. It's an unspoken agreement at Steubenville, that Church is to be treated with respect. The guys are in khakis, some in suits,  and the girls are in dresses or skirts.

Steubenville takes "Sunday Best" to a whole new level, and honestly it was a nice change from the sweats and jeans I normally see at home.

I think it's also another unspoken agreement that everyone on campus can sing or play guitar. Which is probably why the music during Mass was so amazing to the point of inspiration. Everyone was so hype for Mass. I actually saw people smiling... SMILLING... while they were walking in to take their seats...

It made me smile to see.

And you'll have to take my word for it, but when Steubenville people praise... they praise.

Afterward was a very hearty breakfast in the Caf, consisting of an assortment of choices including: homemade waffles, pre-made waffles, a variety of cereals, scalloped potatoes, eggs, regular potatoes, sausage, bacon, whipped cream, fruit, and anything else you could possibly think of. 

I'm normally a food snob, but I have to admit, that breakfast impressed me.

Favorite Quote:

We call it, "The Mega Bed"

Is somebody sitting there? Yes. Oh the struggles of being an awkward asian

So this weekend has been one of the weirdest most enlightening experiences of my high school existence. And that's saying a-lot. On a scale of introverts to nacho cheese dip, it would probably be around MarioKart.

We should start from the beginning... a chronological account of my weekend

It all started that day. That fateful day. So there I was, minding my own business, reading a book (Catch 22 by Joseph Heller, just in case you cared) when I realized that there was an emptiness in the room, in the exact shape of my sister (Rachel). So we set up a trip to get me up to OH.

 March 22 at 7:00 am

I made my way to Philadelphia where the Megabus was waiting for me. We're not really going to recount the 7 hour and 10 minute bus ride to College-land because it was boring and monotonous, filled with shady looking people, my DS, and Paul the Llama.

After offering everyone on the bus ride a duck cookie, and getting met with weird looks I acknowledged the fact that I would not be making friends on this trip and as a result would sit in my seat like a good little asian and not make eye contact.

So that's what I did.

I got picked up by my sister, Mary Ciaccia (the greatest singer in the world, youtube it), and their friend, who then proceeded to eat the friendship duck cookies as we sang melodious tunes on the 40 minute car drive back to campus.

On my arrival we shuffled our way over to the "Caf" (aka the glorified cafeteria) where I was introduced to some more of my sisters very....enthusiastic...friends. God Bless them... please. Juuuuust kidding they were awesome. I was just a little swamped from the long bus ride, (doing nothing is so tiring) so loud noises weren't exactly my best friend. So I just sat and awkwardly picked at the sandwich in front of me.

From there the night was sort of a blur, one thing after the next as I was shuffled back and forth 
through the campus meeting this friend and that, while experiencing the joys of walking the Steubenville Campus. I swear, no matter where you walk, you are always walking up hill. No wonder everyone's is such good shape up here.

We went to a Mike Mangione's concert where he sang like a belting angel. And in that calming atmosphere of a Presbyterian Church Basement, I met the Lord again and got chills for the first time in a long time.

End of Day One

Self-acknowledgements so far: 

1. You are awkward. 
2. You can't speak in groups of 3 or more. 
3. You're Asian and you own a DS = you are a nerd. 
4. You read books for fun. 
5. You don't like college food. 
6. You like all your sisters friends
7. You tried to make friends by telling them you made a llama cookie named Paul.... why?

Amen.

Favorite Quote:

Can Rachel be the adopted one?