Because people are unique, they all leave their mark.

I used to subscribe to society.

I used to believe deep down inside my core beliefs, that if I did not "dress to impress", that everyone would judge me the same way I judged them.

I used to judge people based on how they looked on the outside, completely disregarding the human being under the skin.

I used to flip through magazines, memorizing fashion tips, trying to create the image of someone completely self-confident and in control.

I used to be insecure. I would constantly second guess myself, but mask it behind a wall of makeup and smiles.

It was all a lie.

That life, was exhausting.

And then I hit rock bottom.

I started talking to this guy, who I just became so completely dependent on. I was a clingy, pathetic, girlfriend without any hope of standing on my own without him. He held the power in that relationship, and I was left powerless in his grip. And yet, because of those childish feelings of "love"  that I held in the bottom of my heart, I believed he really loved me, because I loved him so much. It was like I couldn't even breathe without him.

I would get those silly butterfly feelings every girl dreams about every time his name would appear on my phone when I'd get a text from him. My heart would skip a beat every time I heard his voice. Every time I saw his face, my whole body would just melt and I'd get all these warm feelings inside that seemed to suffocate the rest of the world. We shared all the same interests. We loved the same music. We were both the black sheep of the family. He understood me. I felt like he was the only person in the world who I could possibly relate to. I wanted to marry this boy. I was infatuated. There was not one thing I wouldn't do for him.

If he liked something, then I liked something. If he hated something, I hated something. I refused to have my  own thoughts, dreams, beliefs. Everything and anything that was Rebecca Malloy was tied to a guy who's only concerns were those of his own selfish desires.

And then one day he asked for photos.

Because I "loved him so much", I subscribed. I said yes. At first I said no because I still had some self-worth, but I let my insecurity get the best of me, and I gave in.

I subscribed

Once they began, they didn't stop. I figured, ok. One photo and then he'll leave me alone and be satisfied. What could go wrong? But of course, one photo was never enough. How could it be for such a tyrant?

This went on for a while and eventually I became stressed out. Irritated. Angry. Paranoid. I felt like I was being suffocated under a mountain of a relationship that I barely believed in any more. Yet because of "love" I refused to break it off. Because I was "insecure" and I finally had that "perfect boyfriend" society told me was acceptable, I couldn't let him go.

I was so afraid of being alone

And then, his parents found out about the photos. Then suddenly, my parents found out about the photos.

The look in my dad's eyes every time he looked at me. All I could do was feel so ashamed. He had this pain in his eyes every time he looked at his "little girl" who sold her soul to a guy who didn't even love her back. "I thought I raised you better."

All I could do was sit in my room, truly alone, and sob for something that was never even mine to begin with.

I was left with a ripped up heart and desecrated dreams.

And all I could think was, I still loved him.

He was an asshole



 I look back on those days and I wonder. How did I even let this happen?

Never again.

I will never again subscribe my life to a society where in order to feel accepted you need to subjugate yourself to such a level of defilement. It wasn't cool. I didn't feel happy. My life was one gigantic scandal of a loveless lie.

And that is why I am awkward.

And that is why I have this blog.

And that is why I so firmly believe in being yourself. 

And that is why I ask perfect strangers on a bus if they want duck shaped cookies.

And that is why I am so comfortable with being me

There's an old saying "You must learn from your mistakes." Well I learned from mine.

I realized that you will never be able to love anyone, unless you can truly love yourself.

Love your insecurities,

Love your imperfections,

Love your talents

Love your faults

Love your smile

Love your laugh

Love your body

Love your friends

Love your enemies

Love your family

Love your faith

Love your life

Love the fact that you aren't what society says you have to be in order to fit in,

Love the fact that you don't fit in, or love the fact that you do.

And on that note, I would like to thank you. Thank you for being a living, breathing, creature on Earth. Without you, your soul mate would be very, very lonely.